Aries:  Seismograph Shooter

In this job, you get to literally blow things up for a living.  I can’t think of anything better suited to you, my dynamic Aries.  Granted, seismograph shooters are tasked with making sure the explosions are safely detonated and controlled. You can free yourself to be neither of those things when you are, for example, challenged to a heated debate.  But this job will put your fiery temper to good use, not to mention it’s so cool!

In case you weren’t aware, a seismograph shooter is the person tasked with placing and detonating explosives to set off seismic waves. These are used to locate underground rock formations that possibly contain things like petroleum.  You’ll be the one who really knows how to make things fiery — literally, and with all the permits! 

The average annual pay is over $50,210 a year. But we know, given the chance, you would happily do this job for free. As long as you get to be the one pushing the big, shiny red button!

Taurus:  Netflix Tester/Tagger

I’m sure anyone would jump at the chance to be paid to watch Netflix – especially if the average annual pay for the position is around $100,000.  But for you, Taurus, this job isn’t so much about the money — it has an even higher appeal.  I mean, it’s watching movies and TV shows, and the job is fully remote!  You would never have to leave your house again, unless you really wanted to.  Need I say more?

Netflix testers and taggers are responsible for watching, rating, researching, and categorizing all of Netflix’s media content.  They also require you to speak a language other than English to be considered for the job. You may want to download Duolingo and brush up on your preferred second language.  Et voilà — le travail parfait!

It’s a small price to pay for your dream job!

Gemini:  Professional Mourner

Originating in China, Egypt, the eastern Mediterranean, and the Near East, professional mourners have been around since ancient times.  They’re usually hired by the family (or sometimes by the funeral home). They’re used to supplement the attendance at their loved one’s funeral and to honor them. 

Let’s face it, you’ve always had flair for the dramatic, Gemini.  While over-the-top outbursts of sadness are a little more dramatic than what’s called for today, you wouldn’t hesitate to lament in public, if the moment calls for it.  You’re charismatic, charming, and have some of the best social skills of the zodiac — the ideal companion at a funeral!  You know how to pick people up when they’re down. You know when to say the right things for comfort, and — most importantly — when to stop talking and just listen.

No formal education or experience is needed to become a professional mourner. With your keen sense of reading the room, you’d be a natural.  And you could be crying all the way to the bank at over $100,000 a year!

Cancer:  Line Stander

Patience is a virtue — and that’s something you have in spades, my sweet Cancer.  The other zodiac signs would rather die than spend hours in line.  Even if they were waiting for that hot new game console or those coveted front-and-center seats — but you?  As long as you’ve got your portable charger, your favorite shows or podcasts, and maybe a book or some knitting supplies, you’d be fine to wait for days — especially if you’d be getting paid hourly for it!

You’d be providing a valuable service. Help people secure things they really want and help those who are physically disabled and cannot wait in line, themselves! All the while, making some hard-earned cash!  Line standers make an average of $39,086 per year. However, depending on where you live, the annual income can be drastically more! 

Knowing you, you’ll probably walk away from the experience with a handful of new friends whom you’ve helped to process their childhood trauma as they stood with you in line.

Leo:  Professional Cuddler

I cannot think of a more fitting position for you than a professional cuddler, my loveable Leo.  People would be literally paying you for your comforting, shining light!  Does it get any better than that?!  You can even become a virtual cuddler (seriously — look it up!).

Not to mention, becoming a cuddlist gives you a great opportunity to spread warmth, positivity, and affirmation to those who need it most.  There’s a whole form of “cuddle therapy” surrounding it!  It’s a wholesome career that will allow you to connect with so many wonderful people. You’ll help them work through their problems.

I know you care about being able to spoil yourself, Leos. You’ll be pleased to know that professional cuddlers make on average around $125,000 annually!  Go make those big bucks!

Virgo:  Bridge Tender

What’s a job that requires one to keep a calm head under pressure, be able to make sound, independent decisions, and have fantastic communication skills?  A bridge tender, of course!  Why, what else were you thinking?

A bridge tender controls moveable bridges. They monitor the safe passage of water travel for incoming vessels, road traffic, and pedestrians.  It’s a very solitary job that works behind the scenes to ensure thousands of people are kept safe. Hardly anyone knows you’re there!  Haven’t you always thought jobs hindered you from thriving?  Normal jobs tend to take up so much of your time. Then, you’re too exhausted when you get home to pursue what you really want to accomplish.  While some people see this as a highly boring job, you relish the chance. You can catch up on YouTube videos and brainstorm your next creative project! 

Bridge tenders make on average a little over $45,000 a year, but the views from your post are priceless.  When you aren’t keeping track of the comings and goings of water vessels or doing light maintenance to the bridge itself, you get to be paid to spend time on your phone or write in your journal — or whatever else you can imagine to do within your solitary booth!

Libra:  Fung Shui Consultant

This unusual job requires no explanation for you, my serene Libra.  I mean, the first thing you do when you walk into a room is make mental notes! How much better would the sofa look next to the window? That painting should be moved to the other wall! It would make the whole room look open and much bigger. 

It’s not that you’re judging how others have chosen to lay out their space.  You’re just more in tune with the natural flow of a room and know you can set it up that much better!

As a Fung Shui Consultant, you can put your natural sense of flow and power of aesthetics to work.  Plus, make an annual incoming averaging almost $100,000 while you do it!  Sounds like a win-win to me.

Scorpio:  Intimacy Coordinator

As the queen of observing and psychoanalyzing, did you know that you can make a living creating realistic human-to-human moments and ensuring other people’s boundaries are respected?  What better job is there for you, Scorpio?  Especially if it pays on average $182,000 per year!

Intimacy coordinators work both as highly skilled scene-setters and as advocates for actors and actresses.  Remember that murder mystery where you were certain the father did it? Something about the mother and daughter’s body language around him?  Or watched Bridgerton and analyzed why that hand touch seemed so perfect?  That was thanks to an intimacy coordinator!  They also ensure that every aspect of a scene is discussed ahead of time. On top of that, they make sure all actors have consented. This is especially important if a scene calls for nudity or simulated sex.  It’s a very complicated job — mixing knowledge of different eras with human nature analysis — all while protecting everyone’s vulnerabilities. 

Intimacy coordinators have seen a rise in popularity on sets in Hollywood since the #MeToo movement. However, there still aren’t very many around (previously, the role was frequently combined with another, usually in the costume department).  This could be the perfect time for you to check it out!

Sagittarius:  Waterslide Tester

I know what you’re thinking, Sagittarius — and yes, this is a real thing.  Waterslide testers are often employed by a specific hotel chain or travel company. They’re flown all over the globe to test both the safety and overall enjoyment of the waterslides built inside hotels and waterparks.

Testers have to go down the slides quite a few times in order to accurately assess how big a splash the ride makes, if it’s adrenaline-inducing or just plain scary, and note any safety issues before reporting back to management.  You may even get to help name the slide — a dream come true!  You could rack up a few bumps and bruises here or there — but that’s nothing new for you and your adventurous lifestyle.

While the non-stop traveling and cutting to the front of the line for every waterslide in the country would be more than enough for you, waterslide testers also make an average annual income of $45,873 — and all your travel expenses are covered! 

Capricorn:  Airplane Repo Person

Capricorn, you’re likely fully aware of what a repo man or repo woman is:  someone sent to take back whatever it was that was purchased on payments when the bank stops receiving such payments.

Well, an airplane repo person is exactly what it sounds like it is.  They are in charge of tracking down and repossessing planes.  This job can be fairly dangerous and requires a lot of research skills.  After all, if you do come face-to-face with the delinquent owner, it’s unlikely they’ll want you to let you take their beloved expensive toy away!  However, it’s nothing you can’t handle — especially when the average annual income is around $286,000!

If anyone can be trusted with mastering how to fly a huge variety of planes (not to mention fixing them up enough to fly if they’ve not been maintained), keeping up with the legal paperwork, and flying off into the sunset, it’s you! 

Aquarius:  Bed Tester

Finally!  A job where you get to just lay in bed and sleep.  Sounds like a dream come true — eh, Aquarius?

Okay, granted there is some work involved.  Bed testers are official product testers for mattresses, pillows, blankets, and other sleeping products.  You may test products during the production stage or even in hotel rooms.  You’d communicate effectively about the quality of the sleeping products and write comprehensive reports on their level of comfort and other factors.  You may also be asked to try sleeping in a variety of different conditions to test the effectiveness of the sleep products, but it’s not like you’ll have any trouble finding new and interesting ways to fall asleep.

At the end of the day, you really are being paid an average of $55,704 a year to do the thing you love to do the most — sleep.  And, since most of the work is done while asleep, think of all the extra free time you’ll have!  It doesn’t get better than that!

Pisces:  Fortune Cookie Writer

Let’s be honest here, you know you’ve scoffed at your own fortune cookies and said, “Pshaw!  I can do better than that.”

Well, now’s the time to put your money where your mouth is! Finally put all those cryptic, poetic phrases you like to randomly sprinkle into conversations to good use!  We know you’re clever, concise, and crafty!  You can write all the doom and gloom prophesies you want — or your most witty, motivational quips and quotes — all depending on your mood of the day, which we know changes like the weather.  This job is flexible, fun, and allows you to harness your creativity in an unusual way.

Fortune cooking writers usually work as freelancers, but they may be employed with one of the major fortune cookie producers to earn an average annual income of $58,591.